What to do when raising children divides the couple?
Forgiveness or punishment? Be very strict or allow everything? The small and large decisions of daily education can sometimes be real subjects of repeated conflict within a couple. How do you get along with your spouse about raising children and ending the arguments?
Few couples do not have the opportunity to confront each other in the upbringing of children at some point. Then the small (unpleasant) phrases that denounce the incompetence of the spouse rain: "It is not by letting our children do everything in life"; "You don't see that you are too strict a father, we are no longer in the Middle Ages"; "You always grumble at the children, I'm not going to add more"; "You are like your mother, a mother hen who passes everything to them"; Etc. However, it is possible to educate your children, without necessarily agreeing with your spouse on everything.
Why all the fighting?
Parents who deeply love their children strive to do their best. However, everyone tends to think that their educational method is the best. A point of view that is not necessarily shared by one's spouse. And for good reason: they have generally had different, sometimes very different, educations. Depending on what they went through as a child, what fulfilled them and what they suffered, everyone has their own understanding of the demands of a good education: "I will not do like my father who never came to kiss us until we fell asleep ons"; "I give thanks to my mother who made us pray at night by singing, and I will not fail to imitate her."
So much so that, in the (inevitable) tensions that arise about children, what is important first is to step back from its past. Where do our choices, preferences, education decisions come from? Let us be lucid enough to question our certainties, which may have become a true ideology, made up of a copy or, on the contrary, a refusal of the education received. But let us also ask ourselves whether, consciously or not, we do not want to have an ascendant over the children at the expense of the other spouse... to delight him with the leadership of their affection.
Screw or let it all happen?
Second, it is essential to be aware of the immense complexity of "good education." If it were enough, for example, to be severe, to "screw" so that the children would be well educated, or if it was enough, on the contrary, to "let everything do everything" ... You'd know. We would have passed down the vein from generation to generation. But it's not that simple!
With such a child, severity can be destructive. It is not easy to reconcile, to balance freedom and authority, rewards and punishments, gentleness and firmness, treats and demands. Education is not the application of absolute principles. It is an art that requires an infinitely nuanced attitude, as far removed from "dressing" as from laissez-faire. In many situations, who can say he has the quick fix? Who can say, for example, that they know exactly what to do in the presence of a child who has tasted drugs? Opinions will diverge.
Another example: one will tell you that screens are an instrument of the devil ("We didn't have a television, and it wasn't so bad"), the other, that they are a privileged means of cultural enrichment if they are used well. Moreover, children are not only the children of their parents, they are also those of a society, those of the media, and very clever one who can say how to vaccinate them against the anti-education viruses of a pluralistic society!
Few couples do not have the opportunity to confront each other in the upbringing of children at some point. Then the small (unpleasant) phrases that denounce the incompetence of the spouse rain: "It is not by letting our children do everything in life"; "You don't see that you are too strict a father, we are no longer in the Middle Ages"; "You always grumble at the children, I'm not going to add more"; "You are like your mother, a mother hen who passes everything to them"; Etc. However, it is possible to educate your children, without necessarily agreeing with your spouse on everything.
Why all the fighting?
Parents who deeply love their children strive to do their best. However, everyone tends to think that their educational method is the best. A point of view that is not necessarily shared by one's spouse. And for good reason: they have generally had different, sometimes very different, educations. Depending on what they went through as a child, what fulfilled them and what they suffered, everyone has their own understanding of the demands of a good education: "I will not do like my father who never came to kiss us until we fell asleep ons"; "I give thanks to my mother who made us pray at night by singing, and I will not fail to imitate her."
So much so that, in the (inevitable) tensions that arise about children, what is important first is to step back from its past. Where do our choices, preferences, education decisions come from? Let us be lucid enough to question our certainties, which may have become a true ideology, made up of a copy or, on the contrary, a refusal of the education received. But let us also ask ourselves whether, consciously or not, we do not want to have an ascendant over the children at the expense of the other spouse... to delight him with the leadership of their affection.
Screw or let it all happen?
Second, it is essential to be aware of the immense complexity of "good education." If it were enough, for example, to be severe, to "screw" so that the children would be well educated, or if it was enough, on the contrary, to "let everything do everything" ... You'd know. We would have passed down the vein from generation to generation. But it's not that simple!
With such a child, severity can be destructive. It is not easy to reconcile, to balance freedom and authority, rewards and punishments, gentleness and firmness, treats and demands. Education is not the application of absolute principles. It is an art that requires an infinitely nuanced attitude, as far removed from "dressing" as from laissez-faire. In many situations, who can say he has the quick fix? Who can say, for example, that they know exactly what to do in the presence of a child who has tasted drugs? Opinions will diverge.
Another example: one will tell you that screens are an instrument of the devil ("We didn't have a television, and it wasn't so bad"), the other, that they are a privileged means of cultural enrichment if they are used well. Moreover, children are not only the children of their parents, they are also those of a society, those of the media, and very clever one who can say how to vaccinate them against the anti-education viruses of a pluralistic society!
Comments
Post a Comment