Sudden death of a loved one: explaining the inexplicable to children
Sudden death leaves no possibility of preparation. It falls unannounced and causes misunderstanding in adults and children alike. How can they be accompanied in times of mourning when many questions torture them?
There are tragedies that suddenly change the lives of entire families: a father who kills himself in a car, a teenager who falls in the mountains, a child who drowns in the sea... And if suffering is always unbearable, it seems even more incomprehensible when it falls abruptly, without warning.
What "why" then spring up, especially in the mouths of children. And one feels powerless to respond, especially if one is plunged into disarray or revolt. However, children need to be able to question and question us, very freely, without "taboos" ... and they will only do so if they feel that we are ready to accept all their questions.
Listen to the child before answering questions
To accept a child's questions is not to answer them first, but to listen to them first. This is what the child needs most: that we know how to listen to him in depth, without projecting our own questions on his own. However, as we know, it is very difficult to listen well, especially when you are suffering and are overwhelmed by your grief or anguish. In addition, we sometimes be so anxious to respond to the child that we are concerned about the answer instead of really listening to the question.
For one listens not only with one's ears, but also with one's eyes (the child's expression is as eloquent as the words he utters, if not more), with his whole body (if we pretend to listen but our mind is elsewhere, the child feels very well), with his heart enlightened by intelligence (in order to discern the unspoken questions behind those expressed by the child).
Don't provide a full-fledpleting answer
To accept a child's questions is not to provide a ready-made solution, but to help the child to move towards "his" answer. Beware, the truth is not relative. There is a Truth and it must be taught. But an answer that is not assimilable by the child will do him no good. It's a bit like being given food that he wouldn't be able to digest.
There are luminous theological treatises on the Mystery of Redemption, but, as you well know, even if you read them to your child, it would not answer his questions about suffering. He needs to receive "his" answer, that is, one that will correspond to his deep expectations according to his age, his character, the events that have raised his questions, etc.
There are tragedies that suddenly change the lives of entire families: a father who kills himself in a car, a teenager who falls in the mountains, a child who drowns in the sea... And if suffering is always unbearable, it seems even more incomprehensible when it falls abruptly, without warning.
What "why" then spring up, especially in the mouths of children. And one feels powerless to respond, especially if one is plunged into disarray or revolt. However, children need to be able to question and question us, very freely, without "taboos" ... and they will only do so if they feel that we are ready to accept all their questions.
Listen to the child before answering questions
To accept a child's questions is not to answer them first, but to listen to them first. This is what the child needs most: that we know how to listen to him in depth, without projecting our own questions on his own. However, as we know, it is very difficult to listen well, especially when you are suffering and are overwhelmed by your grief or anguish. In addition, we sometimes be so anxious to respond to the child that we are concerned about the answer instead of really listening to the question.
For one listens not only with one's ears, but also with one's eyes (the child's expression is as eloquent as the words he utters, if not more), with his whole body (if we pretend to listen but our mind is elsewhere, the child feels very well), with his heart enlightened by intelligence (in order to discern the unspoken questions behind those expressed by the child).
Don't provide a full-fledpleting answer
To accept a child's questions is not to provide a ready-made solution, but to help the child to move towards "his" answer. Beware, the truth is not relative. There is a Truth and it must be taught. But an answer that is not assimilable by the child will do him no good. It's a bit like being given food that he wouldn't be able to digest.
There are luminous theological treatises on the Mystery of Redemption, but, as you well know, even if you read them to your child, it would not answer his questions about suffering. He needs to receive "his" answer, that is, one that will correspond to his deep expectations according to his age, his character, the events that have raised his questions, etc.
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